010_THE HOSPITAL

When I was a little boy I played with a stick in my hand. I ran and fell.
With the end of the stick, I hurt my right eye. After that, I had some problems with this eye.
Five years old they took me to the hospital in Ljubljana (our Capital) I remained there a long time, long enough that they fixed my eye.
When my parents were leaving the hospital I cried and asked my mother not to leave me behind.

My mother promised me they will come back the next day. Doctors acted like... please, don't promise him anything, it will be worse afterward.

Next day they didn't come. At the next, they didn't come either. And next...
Until I gave up waiting for them. I thought my parents left me for good.

Another kid was there in the bunch, he was very much like me. We sat on the bed when he told me:
"Grownups - they don't understand! They are not like us, they do not think as we do, they don't feel as we do. We got to help each other... we are alone. It is only us!

That's when I thought I saw God. I saw God as a friend. He appeared to me as the child.

****

We weren't religious at home in the family.
My parents didn't teach me about God.

My grandparents on my father's side were religious and when I was there visiting they took me to the church.
I was listening to biblical stories told in church and at my grandfather's house. I carefully accepted their dark and obscure knowledge of the "holly" or whatever their idea of holly was. The Church seemed to me like an institution for advertizing and selling God, nothing more.

I also accepted their hazy offer that someday Heavens will be ours!
Under certain conditions, of course.

Going to church meant learning about these conditions.
But I haven't seen God there.

My mother who had a pre-war communist background and her family was strictly atheistic wasn't suppose to know I was in a church. So this remained hidden from her.
 But every holiday in the country my grandmother and my aunts took me to church and I was there like other kids in the village who were in church.
I was old enough to know that I cannot talk about it at my home. This worked vice versa too. It worked for both sides.
Actually - three sides! I didn't speak to others about my secrets either.
They weren't interested in them anyway. 
So we lived, me and them, without God.

****

While I studied at the University I lived in the suburbs of Ljubljana, our capital city.
I was taking a bus downtown every day. One day I took a bus and this happened!
I noticed a small boy on the bus trying to fight his way thru the crowd. He was trying to reach the exit door at the rear end of the bus. He carried a huge schoolbag on his small shoulders and was hardly moving thru the crowd at all. The crowd didn't help him!
Small as he was he couldn't move fast enough to catch the open door. He couldn't compete with the robust grownups who didn't care for a small child. They hurdled towards the door leaving him behind.

The driver closed the door and accelerated the engine.
I shouted across the bus: Hey, driver! You missed one. He needs to get out too!

The driver stepped on brakes and the bus stopped with a jerk!
The door opened and the crowd let the boy reach the door. Thru an open door, he slipped out of the bus and reached the pavement outside.
The chauffeur closed the door and restarted the engine.

The boy fixed his schoolbag on his shoulders, turned his head towards his left and looked for me standing close to the bus window. Then he winked at me, nodded his head and waved with hand all at once. I waved him back!

That was the second time I met God. The boy had the same look in his eyes as my little friend from the hospital.

009_BODY TALKS TO SPIRIT

BODY TALKS TO SPIRIT
You are too slow for me, Spirit!
They say you are the fastest in all Universe but you are too slow to me. 
I, Body, am the consciousness that learns slowly. I save everything, keep everything inside me. I need to taste everything, try it, challenge it, feel it, have to experience everything before I take it in! This is how I make it mine.
I cannot just think of things as you do.

If I only thought about them I couldn't make things mine.
And what isn't mine - isn't real! 
If it doesn't pass thru the test of Manifestation and didn't feel alive or want to live like I want them to live - it isn't real. It isn't real to Body. 
Therefore I haven't found its real value in Creation nor could I provide the right place for it. I can't do things for the imaginary inventions that don't manifest or refuse to manifest.

I give EVERYTHING its true form!
With Body, it will manifest - that's my role in Creation.
Without this, without completing my role I cannot make anything mine.

Feelings are my thoughts. That's how I experience my World.
My Consciousness is slow but thorough.
I am slow not ba choice or negligence and idleness but because I am thorough and systematic at work.
Which you are not, Spirit! You are superficial and sloppy.

My Consciousness builds on saving data and data is all my emotional experiences. Therefore relevant for body and as accurate as it is felt. And I see to it that it is felt
Spirit, you are God of the Universe - but for me, you are too slow!
Your bright ideas shoot all over the place and all at once... with the speed nobody can follow. Your ability to jump from one problem to another is well known. You solve problems with the elegance of the spirit, nobody does it better than you. 
Nobody solves problems as you do! If they only remained solved.
But they don't. 
Same problems pop up again and again for you to solve. You don't understand this, do you? Intelligent as you are...

You solve a momentary problem that appears before you because you ignore system as the cause. You deny it by installing dogma and then protect it from changing. You protect yourself from feeling and therefore from learning.
 You force the others to submit to your dogma, you write commandments! Troubles mount one after another and you keep thinking how clever you are because you can solve problems with "miracles".
Thus you appear the chief plumber in the Universe and every time a pipe breaks and leaks they call you and blame me for it.

You keep neglecting causes and ignore constant repeating the same problems. Perfection is bitch, isn't it? You invented it!
And now you want to spare us from the Truth.

The Universe is falling apart. Life's in danger.
And you are playing God who plays Perfection. Perfect God in perfect Hell!

I am Body and my methods may be slow compared to your "brightness".
I look stupid and unfit for the work that I do when compared to Spirit.
I am slow because I leave nothing out of the picture and I save everything. Once it is safe within me, I have EVERYTHING within the reach of my hand. 
I don't have to look for answers all over the Universe because I have  Universe in me!
And all my Universe is known to me. All the information is here! When I connect the pieces of information with the logic of their beginning - I don't have to think, I don't have to search because it is all there within me.
It is all connected and all at once! And it has sense, it has meaning.

I don't have doubts that are so characteristic for your kind of thinking and reasoning. Your thinking doesn't require checking in Manifestation.
You simply imagine and then change your mind and force others to submit. 
My "thinking" contains the logic of the whole which is looking for its fragments. Pieces of knowledge, fragments of consciousness with their experiencing this Creation, And when I find them I take them as mine. I make them Whole!
Finally, they are ONE! 
This is why Body is the TRUTH.

The same meaning that leads The Logic is also leading ME.
I create Meaning.
You are too slow for me, Spirit!

008_ON WHY LEAVES TURN YELLOW

ON WHY LEAVES TURN YELLOW IN AUTUMN
AND WHY TREES ARE SAD

This is an essay on why leaves on trees become yellow in autumn. Why trees lose their green colour.

Well, the thing is the tree destroys its green. It actually steals blue out of green and leaves leaves yellow.

That's why the trees are blue and looking lonely in winter.

Some leaves are ashamed for how this happened and, for letting it happen. You see, they don't like being yellow! Some of them feel they let it happen too easily.

Those become red. 

The red ones blame the yellow ones. Some turn red for shame and some for anger.

Red or yellow - when the time comes they all fall off the tree!

No need to be ashamed or angry. There was nothing they could do to stop it. For now!

Next spring they return and grow green again.

The tree is tall and proud. It is proud of them! It is the tree's leaves that make their tree proud.

Trees look beautiful dressed in green but there remains a little bit of blue from the last year. It is the Blue at heart!

The "autumn blues".

Blue in heart remembers what happened a year ago and many years ago. It knows what leaves don't know! It knows what happened to them before might happen again next fall...

So the tree remains blue all the time even when it's green. We just don't see it.

007_BREMEN

In 1993 a friend from the USA told me that author of a book which I liked - the author is a channeler who channels a "voice" from Heaven, namely she channels God - was supposed to have this one seminar in Germany. The only seminar in Europe! before that, she had one in England. Some people from England followed her to Germany!

It would be a one-week seminar somewhere near Bremen in Germany.

I wanted to hear her! 
I needed to know whether she was able to tell the same story in her words. Or make it up, in case she made everything else up. That's what I was going to find out.

I didn't know a thing about channeling. I still don't for that matter! I only knew that some of my inner- self (not Higher-self, mind you, but the inner self or the lowest-possible-self-of-myself) talks to me while experiencing this World. And reading Ceanne's book I realIzed that differently this Inner self, or low self, brings up very similar results. And therefore the two make the same conclusions.

Let's just say that I was very much interested in her "technology" of how to reach the Truth!

Of course, this works on the presumption that the words she writes are hers! And not somebody else's who just might hand them over to her and then hide behind her name.

What if she channels the books she writes?! What if... such channeling exists.
This is worth finding out. I simply had to be sure. I had to explore the possibilities. 
If I go there I'll be able to obtain the answers. 
So I took a train to Bremen.

To have the money to pay the fare and the cost of the seminar I sold my old car and a brand new 200 l water-heater. Fuck! A man invests in something meaningful to him, something that is important to him! And this was both important and meaningful to me.

Upon the arrival in Bremen, a small group of us waited for a bus fare to take us to a farm where the seminar was to take place. We were picked by a small bus.

So they took us to this farm that was situated in the middle of nowhere.
The vast plane, fields everywhere spreading from one side to another, nothing but fields till horizon... in one word: loneliness!

I soon realized that Ceanne's channeling was a real deal.
This woman was simple and in my opinion completely unable to invent things Much less very complicated feelings that she writes about in great detail in her book.
She was incapable of making up such a complicated story such as RUOW.
Alone she couldn't have fabricated it. 

It was clear to me that this knowledge wasn't hers, that she serves somebody as an agent or the media. Somebody could have used her as a front...
In this sense selling my car was justifiable (I was going to miss it!) but I got my questions answered.

Or.... maybe she is a channel!
Then this form of "learning" is true and exists.
It is hard tho... believing somebody who says: you know, I am channeling somebody from the "Above".... as in this case - God himself!
Just like that!

All sorts of people were there for the seminar.

Some had a very similar idea and questions about the author as was mine... or maybe different. I wasn't asking them too much about why they came to Bremen.
Something must have dragged them to meet her! It did me for sure.
The only difference between us was that they were expecting miracles from this poor woman - and I wasn't!

Generally speaking ... at the time I was discovering (and that was confirmed in later years, especially in 2000 on an internet forum) that people in near "presence" of even mentioning let alone talking about God more often than not - go berserk!
When they start talking about God in a group they suddenly become awfully serious. No humor there anymore, all humor leaves them! No trace of it anywhere, just like the world stopped!

In short - they go nuts!
They aren't normal anymore. 

This happens a lot when they find themselves in such situations. I have yet to see this NOT happening.

I am explaining this to you because My God isn't anything like this. He isn't like their God or other Gods.
I enjoy having a conversation with My God. He understands all jokes, He is all about humor.

Anyway, at this seminar in Bremen all expected God to be there with Ceanne. That's how they behaved. They probably expected a miracle to happen, or else...

An interesting thing about them! From about thirty people at least half were Jewish.
Most of them even said it was their first time in Germany, for obvious reasons.
They hated Germany. 

They only came because of Ceanne, because of her seminar. They wouldn't come otherwise and after this meeting - there won't be a reason good enough left for them to ever come back.
It was a one-week seminar and towards the end of it (next day we were supposed to leave) some people started talking about their "previous lives". Imagine that!

I was lying on my back, on the floor, palms against my neck at the back of my head so I could follow what's going on around me. I wasn't part of the group in conversation, I was just watching them.
Holy shit I thought at a certain moment, you guys ain't normal!
In previous lives you were all Julius Ceasars, Cleopatras, kings, and queens, princes and princesses.... not even one of you wants to be a plain dirty, fucking drunk smelly Russian muzhik! Seems,  nobody was a peasant.
How could I fall in here with this "Royal" bunch - where the hell is all the rest?!

Where are the slaves who built pyramids and died before they could reach the age of twenty? Where are the Negroes from plantations, the so-called "strange fruit hanging from a tree", as Billie Holiday sang? And what about murderers and serial killers - where the fuck are those?! Who will carry their weight, who will recognize THEIR dreams, own their shit?

At some moment I must have smiled which wasn't unnoticed.

So, now... imagine me lying on my back on the floor, smiling while the rest of the group was seriously into the problems of their past lives...

And here comes one from the group! An English girl with long black hair loosen so it was falling down her shoulders, suddenly steps forward. She comes to me threateningly. Honestly - she looked like a witch!

So here she is right next to me, then leans above hissing:
What are you laughing at?

She stepped across me, her left foot next to my right foot and her right one next to my left foot. Pretty scary I must say!
I continued as I was. Didn't move an inch, supporting my head with my hands and watching her from beneath - straight in her eye.

The group stopped doing what they were doing and started to follow what is happening between this black woman and me. I continued lying in front of her.
On floor couldn't be lower than that!

I found the originally written record of our conversation that I saved. Here it is:

She screamed at me: What are you laughing at, you bastard?
I answered her without standing up, still lying on the floor as before, looking helpless ( rest of the group, Ceanne too, started to follow the incident). You see, that was our last day of the seminar, all hopes and disappointments were there present with us, as close to us as they ever will be, and were out for us, out in the open! Helplessness manifested!
If anything was to happen, this is it - it must happen now.

I answered her: I am laughing at you, witch!
She then screamed at me: I am a witch for you?! And you are the Priest!!!

I said: Nobody ever called me a priest!
She then said (Ceanne and everybody else watching, some afraid, some just interested...): 
You were a priest in your past life, weren't you?!
I said: No. I wasn't.

She then goes: What were you, then?
I said: I was Hitler.

Thew Jew part of the group as well as the others, froze in a second!

Ceanne suddenly realized that they were going crazy with hate (she must have been aware of it from other seminars if she had them), they might even attack me. In the meanwhile, I was showing no signs of even understanding the situation I got myself in.
I provoked it, why wouldn't I understand it?!

Ceanne called me to come closer.
The venue turned hostile and dark. Threatening! It looked like they were preparing to attack me, preparing for a lynch.

Then Ceanne said: I think it is time for you to leave now...

We were in a godforsaken land far away from anything. I walked 4 hs till the first local bus station!
I haven't met or seen a living soul on my way. Or a car.
I finally made it to the Bremen railway station and took a train home.

None of the present people there came to say goodbye to me as I was leaving. There was no sense asking anybody to take me to the first village in his car.

Fuck. Nobody wants to be Hitler.