006_I KISSED HER PAIN

I KISSED HER PAIN

I kissed her pain. She returned the kiss but... I don't know who she was kissing, she surely didn't kiss me.
Perhaps she kissed some distant hope somewhere far in her future.
She didn't even notice me.

My experience is showing that it's impossible to kiss woman's pain when her Pain is separated from woman. In such cases we would need to treat a woman separately from her pain... but that is impossible.

She knows it. She only doesn't want it to be this way.

But it is.

005_VERGINA

VERGINA

Vergina is a boat, a ferryboat to be more specific. It is very much like a tired animal bringing passengers, vehicles, mail and goods first from mainland to the island and then back to mainland. It is almost giving an impression that nothing ever can be forgotten or left behind.

A man and a girl sit on the deck. They look like a couple of lovers who just had a fight and now they don’t know what to do with themselves.

“When I was a little girl my most cherished desire was for you to come and visit mom and me. Why weren’t you never there?”

The question that doesn’t require an answer.

“I have written some letters he thinks for himself but only mutters:

It’s cold up here, let us go below the deck.”

They don't speak much as they dine. He has been thinking how grown up she is and she will soon leave for her studies. Who did she inherit this perseverance and confidence from?

He asked her to pay him a visit and they spent a weekend together. Now he was sorry he invited her. She is a grown up person, she is not a child anymore and it is too late for certain things. The empty space between them is too full of bad memories. Nothing happened in those three days between the two!

They would stroll along the beach, eat some ice cream, watched the sea gulls. She put some order into his flat, took care of the linen. He could live without it too. She told him she loves sea, he learned about all of her girl friends – now he doesn’t even remember what is the color of her eyes! If somebody asked… He was looking at the floor more than he took time to see her in the eye.

What was he thinking to achieve, now after all these years when everything’s gone!

After dinner they move up on the deck again for a smoke. The wind is strong and she wraps a blanket round her shoulders.

“ I wanted her to be proud of me,” he says suddenly.

“What..? She is caught by surprise.

“I wanted her to be proud of me!” repeats the sentence. “Your mother…”

He starts breathing faster. Where did that come from? Why is everything so complicated? They wasted their weekend and now…

Now the ferryboat will land and mainland will swallow her!

“I wanted to be somebody in your lives, I did all I could, tried all ways… But it didn’t work! And when there was nothing more left, not even for me I escaped. Feared of life, responsibility how the hell should I know…

He grasps the fence nervously.

“Do you think I never thought of you two? Countless of times I longed to be with you. I was trying to picture you two in my thoughts, the way you were, the way you are… I imagined me coming to your place. I’d knock on the door, defeated man, a freezing dog asking for warmth. I’d roll up in a corner and watch with hungry eyes, follow you at your everyday housework. Would just eavesdrop and listen to the sounds while stealing the warmth of the house, sucking in its smells, to have them along with me when I am alone again.

I wouldn’t disturb you while you two are ironing your linen or putting the house in order, having meaningless conversations, you know, everyday things… I would hang around till it’d work. Till you have patience with me hanging around. Till you your pity runs out. I would do exactly like I did in some other places. It is with you two I never dared.

I don’t know how to be a father, understand? I don’t recognize the pattern. It is not meant for me. I read something about it and watched others at it.. It just wasn’t meant to be. And now I have to deal with it, I have to accept it as fact.

What could I offer you two the way I am? Whatever I touch turns into dust, it just pours through my fingers. Nothing seems to be working right. I know little about anything. There is something bad in me, a sinister, destroying force, something hat hurts people. I don’t bring luck to my friends. Without me, your mother was able to arrange some kind of a normal life for her…”

She rises and steps closer to him wanting to touch him but he moves away from her hand.

He pauses for a short while and then continues:

“All these years I’ve been watching people. I admire easiness with which they desert each other, ungratefulness for what they have and what they are allowed to have and unhappiness with everything they’ve got.

And then their greediness and eagerness for having more… They’d want everything for themselves; what they own already and what belongs to others. Makes no difference to them. They want mistresses along with their spouses with their children and then they make some more. Something bites them and they swap their dears for other dears; all so simple, uncomplicated, self-understood, almost painless with no evil conscience. So damn civilized…!”

He isn’t thinking here anymore about what he is about to say. It is erupting from his inside:

“I watch for the children wherever I go. I watch them from a distance while they play, so busy with some game. That’s the way I like to watch them, in peace. They don’t see me they don’t like me, it’s how I feel. I don’t like children either as soon as I have to deal with them. I never know what they want from me and I never seem to have the right words for them. I never know what to say! I never know what they would like me to say… Watching from distance is enough for me. I try to understand them but I just scare them.”

His heart is beating faster. He catches some breath, needs air to fill his new thoughts.

“You can’t imagine my envying the man who lives with your mother! I a envy him most having you by his side when you were growing up. In my impotence to deal with this I often pictured me in his place. Like, comforting you for having fallen and hurt your knee. Or helping you with your homework.

And I can see all of my ignorance and awkwardness at it. Which just makes it all more real for me. I have this special film of mine I watch in my head. I imagine you while you are still little and I am reading you from a book before sleep. You’re in your bed and I sit next to you holding the book in one hand and your palm in my other hand. You always hold me by my hand in my dreams, you never let go of it, not even when I have to turn the page. So I always read the same page to you, from beginning to the end and then I go back from the start again. Until you fall asleep.

I’ll like the thought of you holding my hand while you sleep. I like to watch you while you sleep. I am less guilty and you don’t notice my thirst for you. Even in my dreams or thoughts I don’t dare speaking it out… And that’s where I run out of imagination!

If you told me about your first love I wouldn’t know what to what to say to you, what advice to give to you, how to help with it. How should I know anything about it? There are some things that took a turn round me, went by me, never happened to me; god almighty, what can I do about it now?

Seeing the horror of what my love is doing to those I love in their eyes is worst of all. Sooner or later we end up despising each other. Growing insensibility slowly transforms into habit. All of the sudden I am one too many.

My god, I say before I leave. Is this me? Is it all I am, just this and no more? I can’t live with hatred like that! Not like that. I prefer staying alone.

Alone with myself I can do just fine. I persist with me as if I had somebody else within me, some other being to whom I owe attention, the one I have to take care of. It is easier for me to live with that. Just for myself… I don’t know, maybe it wouldn’t be worth going on. Need sympathy to be able to survive and live and I’m afraid I don’t have any of that left for me. I have been comforting myself that I am not one too many to me.

What others reject or throw away – I save! I am used to it. I steal their moments, envy their habits. Pick up their worn out things and continue to carry them. And I am happy with it!

This is my right place, that my life! I am a garbage heap, a waste deposit for old things. I am the most and the least to myself. For everybody else I am a mess, a regular scarecrow. Unnecessary, useless, needless...”

Where did confidence come from? With words? Was it hiding under despair, looking for some understanding and a soft spot for its weariness, distress and helplessness? Well, it found it!

She embraces him round his shoulders. He seems to her a small child in need of protection. They wasted whole three days! A weekend and a lifetime…

“It’s exactly as I imagined you, its what I ever wanted and wished for!”

She rubs gently against him they embrace. He accepts her touch now!

“God, how much I love you!”

“I am here,” he says stroking her back gently, the way parents do to their little ones. "I am here!”

“Love you!” She insists with a smile.

“And I love you,” he repeats carefully after her and smiles back.

The ferryboat lands.

004_OWN YOUR PAIN

OWN YOUR PAIN

There are people who own their Pain. I call them 'my kind of people'.

They don't give the license to kill to dictators by letting them use their Pain, nor they feed the president of the state with the energy of their denied Pain. They own it! Presidents and dictators will only misuse the energy behind the Pain. Dictators and politicians use our Pain for revenge! And then they do with it whatever they want.

All people who join forces under a political flag or manifesto, use ideology and/or religion (or both) to hurt people.

They think their God demands it. As a matter of fact, it is only their idea of a god who demands them to be cruel and do cruel things. It is called manipulation. The Pain is being manipulated.

They don't own this Pain they use to hurt others! The real owners do, if and when they want to own it. Which usually they don't.

But these other people who use it and misuse it for their political purpose cannot change it because they are not the rightful owners, Pain is not theirs; they just manipulate it and misuse it.

I treat mine as it was a child of mine. I gave it birth, so I own it. I take care of it when it hurts. I am the only one who can deal with it because I am the only one who can understand it. It is MY Pain! It needs me. It wants me to be the Father, Mother, God, friend, brother, sister... it wants me to hold it and comfort it, feel it, understand it, and never deny it. Deny its existence, its intensity, it needs to be comforted, soothed in its loneliness... Doesn't need dictators nor seeks revenge, wants and needs only me.

The more there is political identification in a country, the more there is polarization that follows. This means avoiding Pain instead of expressing it. Privately and in a safe environment! Because that's what healing the Pain is about!

Polarization and internal fighting usually mean denying the ownership over one's Pain by projecting it into a political, sexual, ideological, religious... movement. Movements avoid meeting with your own Pain. They generalize it to the point of not recognizing it as your own, preferring making it »everybody's«. This only means you don't have to be responsible for it. Nor for causing it to yourself or others.

Every movement has its manifesto, and all manifestos deny a person and personal relationship with the Pain. They tell you - you don't own it! They own it.

Manifesto only uses other people's Pain and changes intended healing into some alienated »higher« aims you can never reach.

Being it a gay movement, a feminist one, fascist, nazi, communist.... Islam or any religious movement, as well as Catholic Church and Old Hebrew Religion with its Old Testament, as well– they all do a bypass to your heart and bypass your Pain, imposing some »heavenly« making sense of the human being, a distant purpose and solution too distant from our hands. Thus diminishing the Man in the eyes of God, as well as in his own eyes as a human being.

Even UN or UNICEF with their best intentions sooner or later become misused. Nothing good can come out of Pain when it is misused without knowledge of its true owner. Without an owner, master, proprietor. The repressed Pain represents a terrifying force, an energy that will be used for other purposes – never for the purpose of healing itself - will take the path of revenge instead.

People suffer when they let others misuse their denied Pain in order to manipulate it. Nobody will feel responsible when millions die.

But they will surely be burdened by Guilt and won't know how this happened. They will go crazy and they will need a lot of painkillers to keep their consciousness finding out what they did.

They will be doing it until Guilt is unbearable and then they will seek a scapegoat And they will kill it because they believe that is the way to kill Guilt.

There are only two things that mankind can do. Be guilty or become responsible! One or the other, as one excludes the other. They both cannot exist ate the same time. It is either or! Either Guilt or Responsibility.

So it is important how we chose.

I chose Responsibility over Guilt a long time ago. I can tell it right away that once you choose Responsibility, you won't need victims. Neither you accept to be a victim yourself.

Then Space will open for the Knowledge because learning is the natural consequence of Responsibility. It comes with it.

There is simply no way to know where responsibility might take you. Nor what else you might own besides everything that is yours already, besides what you know is yours.

Theoretically – you can own ALL Universe and all of Creation! Knowing that we can be accountable for what we see and become responsible for it... that changes the world!

Responsibility, you know, is such hungry bird, and I love it!!! I love this kind of hunger and greed.

It is enormous and it is endless! It is everlasting and it is infinite!

****

Just one more thing!

Do you think that God is stupid and He can't recognize the simple fact that ALL rage on this Planet is actually addressed to HIM??? And others are just casual bystanders collecting what was meant for Him!

God may be many things... but stupid He isn't. He looks and He knows!

****

003_THE STORY OF THE GREAT FUNNEL

THE STORY OF THE FUNNEL Gravity is the greatest force that exists, it is our Mother's invention.
It gives us the possibility to understand what is up and what is down Eventually it helps us think of all other directions as it gives us an idea what's horizontal and what vertical. Therefore helps us with our orientation in space.
When we say " what goes up, must also come down..." we actually understand the cause and effect of our actions. Plus, we become aware of what was before and what came after. That's how our understanding of Time and Space affects our thinking. Among other things. Space and Time are two concepts combined into one that we usually use to understand where and when we are, who we are and once were. I will use a model of a funnel to explain myself how I think Time and Space work for us now. In my imagination Time and Space work as a giant funnel. That is how I envision our "travel" as the humankind! When we look at the funnel from its top, we see a circle. Funnel changes its form as we move toward the center of it. Moving towards center inevitably means moving down the funnel. We are sliding slowly to the narrow part. The narrowest part of the funnel is at its bottom. But, it all starts at the top. With the big circle. We all enter this wide part and only then continue downwards. The biggest circle is the largest plane if we can imagine an infinite number of horizontal sections of the funnel. The biggest section at the top and the smallest at its bottom. That's how it works with the funnel. We then ride down thru many circles, they become narrower and narrower as we slide down the funnel. In Time - down means later. In our memories, our Past looks brighter, safer, wider, freer... somehow easier to deal with. Until we reach the bottom! The bottom is the smallest circle or the smallest plane of the funnel, it represents almost the point when compared to where we began the journey. If we now imagine many horizontal cuts or the crosscuts (sections) thru the funnel on many different levels - we can imagine almost an infinite number of concentric circles. Now, imagine all these circles as possible planes of existence. Each existence corresponds to an era or a time. Each one has its own ideas on eternity, time and space, according to its previous experiencing the funnel, and of course the expectations of where we are going or want to go. The planes of existence become smaller with our descent. Again: circles at the top are wide, and the bottom circles are narrower, that's what the form of funnel implies. That's why I chose it! I believe that many choices are becoming few. We are more and more limited than we ever were before this time! The circles become smaller with decent - but our consciousness inside every one of us widens. You cannot go down - figuratively speaking - without rising somewhere, someplace and in some way! Each circle means a time period where we lived happily or unhappily or reasonably happy for some time in our Past. Each period had its own rules and way of experiencing ourselves in our reality. That's how we perceive the Time and Space. Maybe this kind of representation of our Universe like a huge Funnel, only a few decades ago wouldn't mean a thing to anybody. Maybe then it wasn't the right model for us to grasp our reality. The concepts were different then than they are now. Mind functioned differently as we/they experienced Time in their own way. Concepts were different. We call our planes of existence "our time", which also means: ways in which our needs are different from those we had before. Not all of them but surely some of them. EVERYTHING's slowly sliding along the Funnel, down and towards its center! It moves down starting from the top. We slide as the time passes. Consequently, this means shrinking our outer Space, altho our consciousness is now larger than it was ever before. Maybe our consciousness is larger because Space is shrinking or maybe Space is the same, only our idea of space is different now than it was before. Anyway - everything seems smaller now as we feel that our world is becoming smaller than it used to be. Our perceptions of our world changes. But inside of us..... the inside worlds that are in us - those are bigger now than they were ever before! Because with mind and imagination we have the ability to build our inner spaces that are bigger. Even bigger than the outer space. These important sensations are connected to our imagination. And that is connected to our sense of being freer. Which has nothing to do with the outer space, we really are able to expand our freedom internally, together with respective consciousness inside us. With no limits to it. In centuries and thru all the years during our lives, the idea of our outer space narrowed down somewhat. Now, this happens more than ever before!. And it happens faster. Presumably, this is what will happen once we hit the bottom of the Funnel! It will become less a plane of existence and will become more a point of (our) existence. After all - we are all in the same funnel! We live in the same world. All eras and all periods of Time have only one common characteristic: temporariness. It is the only thing that characterizes all eras and unites all planes of our existences! Evolution also narrows down our choices. It widens our inner worlds but not our outer world. Like everything depended only and entirely on our imagination. Time and Space too. So, now, based on my personal experience and using my own imagination, I imagine that we will still be able to exist simultaneously on different cross-sections of the same Funnel, but only for a little while. And because we still seem to have enough space to avoid each other we can live how we want to live and where we want to live. We can even avoid each other's ways of understanding and create our own realities. For a little while longer. (I started writing the text about Funnel in the late nineties, then for me that was still true. We had time then and we had some choice, and much more space to avoid each other if we wanted to. On global level! Like married couples who say - I need some space! Now it doesn't work like that anymore. We have less choice, or maybe none at all.) But with time we won't be able to avoid anything. We will be forced to internalize our problems by this Creation! We will be prompted to start solving them internally before they jump right out of us as our denied inner realities. Thus becoming our outer reality and harass us all equally. No difference! Denied inner realities often do that. Again (!) mind you, because this is what's been happening to us along in our Time travel: it is important that we understand how this model works! We won't be able to avoid each other forever because the funnel will narrow down our space(s) down to one common point! And the "temporariness" will no more exist. It will vanish. It will become a point and then it will become pointless. Choices will exist no more. Avoidance as a way of life will not be possible anymore as the outer manifestations will attack us and will want, will have to, belong to the one who put them "out" there in order to avoid them. The Creation demands to meet the Author. Now we are manifesting just that! On our level, of course. Even while existing on the same level and inside the circle (the circle is here a good parable!), that represents a plane of our existence, circle as the position of a cross-section of the funnel allows us not to press against each other more than we want to. If it's a small circle we just have to adapt to the circumstances. In our minds, we can make it bigger and still live happily. Great ideas start in the smallest spaces, in a garage or in a small room. But we cannot adapt to all circumstances, and eternally. Or we would cease to exist in Reality. After all, the Place we live in is called the Manifestation. I somehow believe that manifesting has to do with Free Will, don't you?! The one Free Will we are ready to kill in order to have more and more laws! That's what our civilization is all about. For now, we don't have to adapt to the changes too severely. We simply search and find some more suitable space for us on the same level of existence and we simply continue to exist. There is enough space for us all to live in one piece and in peace, away from the others if we choose so. We just mustn't move too much. But then.... we don't stand still as nothing does! The Funnel works as long as we expand our knowledge. We continue to move. We slide down the Funnel, gliding down to the bottom of it believing that it is always the same plane of existence we are living on and in. Always the same one! This is what we believe. But it isn't the same plane! They are different according to our ability to build new concepts. Somehow the Funnel becomes our Universe and we act accordingly to how this Universe feels to us and feeds us new information. It does that all the time. Even tho we may choose to deny its existence, it is still our Universe. The circle becomes smaller and Time passes. Outer space is smaller and our inner spaces (or our imagination) grow bigger. Always bigger, never smaller. It hurts when you meet people with narrower inner spaces than yours! It hurts a lot. Imagine how it was before we used our computers in everyday life. You can't imagine it, can you?! Our capacity for understanding new realities grew bigger with the use of computers. They helped us imagine our concepts to become better, bigger, higher... to improve and bcome more and more complicated. They helped us form new ones that were never there before. They defined the old ones more accurately. In our understanding of Time, the time is linear. Bottom of the Funnel means "later" and the top of the Funnel means "before". Up means before and down means after. Orientation in Time and Space is important! What would become of us if everything was pressed into a point of existence and not anymore a plane of existence, with limited possibility to move and choose?! As all moves towards the center and then down the Funnel, everything gets compressed. Time as well as Space. Many now believe that Time is running faster than before. It's why I find funnel quite suitable a model for explaining this phenomenon of the evolution of humankind. At least it is a way to have an idea, to create a concept of what is happening to us, to Creation and Universe. Other have other concepts. Must have. Some might still believe in the old Indian legend of the giant turtle carrying Earth on its back. Whatever provides satisfactory explanations is alright. I believe we would all like to postpone the inevitable when it is connected with something unpleasant or with something we don't know or are scared of. We push away what we are scared of. But I also believe that Universe will not allow it. Not indefinitely and not - again! Sooner or later we shall be at the bottom of the funnel. At the point of Time and Space Zero. We shall be compressed into the one space in one consciousness where (when) there is no avoiding anything. Whether we kick or protest or decide not to move - we shall all end there. And there nobody will be able to say, as we now often do, that "everyone can have his own truth". We shall all be compressed into ONE TRUTH, the same one for all. We shall have to deal with it whether we like it or not. One Truth for us all. The sum of all times, spaces, and contents. That were allowed to be different before. Many individual stories will become one Story and we shall all be part of it. We shall all be participants in the same story. It is a place where different truths will not be able to avoid each other. They'll be forced to confront what they protect inside now. They won't be able to express themselves by yelling on the streets: We want more democracy! We have our human rights, you know....! Different truths will not be able to coexist one past another because there is too little space for that once we hit the bottom of the Funnel. Confronting is necessary but violence will not prevail as we will be challenged, both from the inside and the outside, and we will literally not have any place to hide. It simply won't be possible. Time disappears there and we won't be able to use History as the reference either. It won't mean a thing. Revenge won't mean a thing. History is funny! We see History as THEM who were brave- and not as us, the murderous bastards that we were. And we weren't just murderous bastards but also all our victims we left behind as bodies of all those who now aren't worth mentioning. That's what the Past is made of! We made it an art pushing these thoughts and memories away, leaving only brave stuff to identify with. The rest is gone into oblivion. That is what's now lost and became the "unknown" that wraps around the planet as the black cloud. It became the obvious "nonexistent" stuff as this too needs to manifest. How can something that is, become nonexistent in Manifestation?! How is it even possible? Manifestation manifests, it cannot discard, exclude, throw away, create a place for what it dislikes and then puts a sign on the door: This isn't here because it isn't real! In reality, there is no leaving "behind". It is only the bottom of the Funnel. And it is all ahead of us. It's waiting for us to catch up with it. There really is no difference between Body and Truth! The Body is the Truth. And the victim... it decides the Justice. We are not that lucky as to have a judge who will judge us all justly. We judge ourselves. What will the verdict be?! There (then) everything is HERE and NOW. Which is also true now! Even if we try to push Responsibility away and prefer to turn it into somebody's Guilt! The truth is there are no millions of separate truths - there is only one Truth in the end! One Story for us all. And we are all in it. We just have more space for maneuvering now, and ways of avoiding it! So our search for common Truth isn't (yet) our priority. The characteristics of One and only Truth is that it contains all truths. It knows how to explain them and make them real by being part of the One Story. The One Truth makes many stories logic even when they might appear casual or illogical. Millions and millions of individual truths become associated with the One Truth and millions of individual stories become understandable thru one Story as we are all becoming part of the One. The One Truth accepts all individual truths! It becomes responsible for each one of them, as well as for all of them together. As One. But if ONE didn't consider them, if by some strange and unjust decision it decided to deny them their right to live and exist, if it renounced them, if it didn't accept them as its own - them such One Truth wouldn't be worth a damn thing! Then all other truths wouldn't count. They would be worthless and equally insignificant and also absurd. And then they would have to fight to prove their right to existence. Just like they are doing it now. You can't prove the existence of some truth by hitting someone on his head. And then your truth wins above all other. Juts because it is more brutal than other truths. And just because it is more brutal, it takes revenge on you because you don't care to believe in it. The difference between One Truth and many truths is that One Truth is ready to take responsibility for all other truths. While most of the truths now can't even take responsibility for themselves. Let alone for the other truths. The One Truth is capable of taking full responsibility for all truths. In fact, Truth LEARNED FROM ALL OF THEM! So it understands them and knows their reasons to be. At the bottom of the Funnel, there is only place for One Truth. It can explain all other truths, take care of them as the mother Truth's own children and make all lost and broken pieces whole again. What was broken is now tied together and becomes whole. What was lost is now found. The Truth finds them the right place, gives them trust and hope that were long forgotten qualities. The Truth is now hidden under our many disappointments. It won't always stay this way. Human Desire will not remain weak and subordinate forever. A fool thinks there's always a choice and will always be a choice. Clever man knows that not always there is a choice. He knows what needs to be done, has to be done. And he knows it is the time to do it. Opening our heart to our feelings that are lost and have no right master - is the right path to take! Don't choose what to feel, let the feelings choose for you! You just follow them! Whatever you can feel - it's yours! We are what we feel. That's the only way to "have" and "own" something that's real. The way I see this the most riches are now our lost feelings. Strangely enough, it is also something that nobody wants. They are wrapped around the planet as a sick black cloud, the planet's aura, that is depressing, pushing us down to earth. Not allowing us to breathe freely, as all humans and animals of this Earth should be able to. We feel heavy and guilty, and we can't find our ways out of it. Lost feelings are the Universe's dump! Lost feelings of all generations that lived before us lie here as the waste of the centuries, millennia and longer! The trash that nobody wants and everybody pushes away. Nobody wants to be responsible for this, for its existence! The Planet cannot hold this anymore, it needs the Consciousness to hold it, to carry it, accept it and explain it. We can't breathe anymore as there is now more of all the unknown things than what is now part of our common Consciousness. There are now more questions that were never asked than those that were. Let alone those that have any kind of the answers. The Darkness is becoming heavy as a cloud smothering our planet and it threatens to counterbalance the Light by throwing us all into the Darkness and out of the Light. We should start answering some questions as well as become ready to take responsibility for the state we find ourselves in. The Matter can't absorb everything and pretend that something isn't there when it is. This world cannot make the conscious - unconscious! It just doesn't work this way. Not anymore. The right concept of doing things right because it is right for our Creation and right for us and this planet is - Body! Body is our Home, the same way our planet is our Home. A body is like a little doggie. He is loyal beyond human apprehension. It waits for its master to come home to him so they can be together again. He remembers every kick he received from his master, every blow every injustice...! But he also remembers his patting him on his head, gentle strokes and master's kindness. In his memory, he keeps all your walks together in the park. This is why he waits for you to return, to have loooong walks with him again, as many times as possible. Probably you will some day decide to stay forever. That is what this doggie wishes most of all. So every time you return to him on Earth he is there waiting for you. He holds no grudge against you. He believes you can learn his ways and he will show them all to you. This is why he waits patiently. Nobody knows you better than him. Nobody ever could. Never were words "robe makes a man" truer than in this case. When we come to Earth we receive our own body with each our birth, Mother Earth dresses us up, giving us body so we can communicate with Her! We can use our body as the intermediary if we choose so! You see, in the body, we are of the same "clay" as Mother Planet! When we torture our body we torture Her. When we take revenge on Her we revenge ourselves! Some time ago a woman said something to me when I was explaining how my Body works. I was explaining how I see it/him/her like a little puppy, endlessly loyal, sweet and loving. She said: Your Body is really stupid! I would have kicked such a master in the ass a long time ago... I answered: I know you would! And you would kick me in the ass as well! But you see... my Body isn't like that. It is not the way others think it should be! It isn't shortsighted. This for him would literally mean the End of the World. And He doesn't want that. The body is smarter than that. The body is a small doggie.... waiting for the master. Blaming others, making them guilty, projecting guilt and pushing it into others... shows intent to get rid of guilt by killing it in victims that you believe need to be sacrificed in order to get rid of it. Very soon this won't be possible. Not anymore! If you are unable to transform Guilt into Responsibility, which in my words would mean "distilling the Responsibility out of it (it practically means saving consciousness out of there where there is almost none left) then you are in trouble. It means that you have no knowledge how to stay alive. It also means you didn't learn anything from Life that was offered to you. It was offered to you to live and learn. Guilt is death. Guilt is Nothing. It has no Consciousness and no intent to live. Guilt doesn't protect Life - it destroys it. Victimizing people by using Guilt as the weapon instead of becoming a responsible person and learn from our past experiences - it means there isn't enough Will left in us to continue our Life!
It means that we have killed nearly all Free Will in us. Others may only finish the suicide we started ourselves...

• L. C.  I wonder if the funnel begins to expand again at the bottom? A Torus....
• 

  I believe that the outer Space will compress (as Time compresses too) when we hit the bottom of the Funnel, but our Inner Space.... will expand enormously as the Consciousness expands (God expands within us).
  
  Everything is RIGHT NOW - then! Past, Present, Future,... everything is at once and we have to deal with it.
  We are what we used to be and what we are now or think we are now...
  
  There was a time when I thought nobody could survive this (I had the inner experience of this happening in 1983) it felt like there was a two-sided funnel pouring Matter and Heavens into me (in fact Body IS both, we just disconnect it from the Knowing).
  I provoked this to happen by demanding the Universe (all of it, spiritual and material or maternal) to be mine, and I was to be Responsible for it. Then everything that was there to know started pouring in me from both sides like it was waiting forever for someone who wanted to know.... and the Word was ACCEPT.
  It is a long story and at some point I will have to tell it.
  I asked my Consciousness (as it was my Consciousness then...) why this was happenning to me... and it answered back: because you can take it!
  
  I could talk to it and it was answering me like some stored consciousness, stored there forever waiting for someone to open the box and acknowledge its existence.
  I yelled inside me in protest with all the voice I had in me: Nobody can take this in and live with it!
  
  And the answer was BODY CAN. BODY IS. BODY WILL!
  
  So I thought: If this, what is now happening to me, happens to others... they will all die.
  
  Why didn't I die!?!
  
  And again, the answer was: Because you wanted to KNOW
  If you couldn't take it You'd be dead by now, you see: death is an invention! It doesn't exist. Death is simply a temporary separation of the spirit from the knowledge of self!!! Pure invention! A trick.
  
  This story is a little longer. Anyway, I started writing about my sensations and experiences as I realized how important is our being here on Earth. I realized our task here is THE most important thing in the Universe. We are sitting on a Dump of the Universe - not knowing it is a goldmine!
  
  Even if it felt like pure Horror what I was going thru, now I feel that it all connects to our sense of Responsibility for our Universe, for our existence, the existence of LIFE in it and in us. I am proud of it, not afraid of it.
  We are beautiful creatures and very very very powerful!

002_THE TRUNK OF A TREE

THE TRUNK OF A TREE
July, 18th, 2016


I dreamed I saw an object of enormous proportions falling down to Earth. It was very, very long. My first impression was that it's a kind of space vessel, amorphous in form, and by this, I mean that it wasn't some fancy elegant designer stuff we usually watch in SyFi movies.


When I looked closely I realized it has a form of a huge trunk of a tree!
It was a tree trunk without any roots or tree top. Branches were removed, in a very superficial, I'd say even careless way, their stumps stuck out of the tree. Rather ugly to see. The trunk was falling down towards the Earth... and finally tumbled. Headlong to the firm ground.


Then it remained lying firm there.
Slowly, very slowly it started to change color and its form. It started with what I recognized as a human head as the part of the tree trunk.
The color of the head was pallid like it was a dead corpse. Mouldy and in decay. Eyes dead but with a peaceful expression of face. The head was hairless.


As it turned out - it was a woman's face! Soon She became alive and she was 20 feet high!

Before She was a huge trunk of a tree, falling down to Earth. Then this trunk became human-like, the woman in form, maybe not as much woman by contents but She certainly was a huge human being.


I asked myself - why did she become alive when touching the Earth?! Why in human form if before she was a tree? And why alive at all.


Other people got scared, She was so big!


I approached Her. I felt close to Her, to me She wasn't a stranger, She didn't feel like one to me!

People on Earth felt more strange to me than this new being.


It didn't seem to dislike this venue, altho it must have been new to Her. It didn't present any threat to Her, she was just a little bit lost. Woman or a thing she was, I couldn't decide which because I couldn't read her sex right away. It felt like a small child is being born, so it is new in this world. Only - this being was huge, only its contents were child-like.


I supposed it must be hungry so we found ourselves in some canteen.
All people ran away. They ran away from Her, from us, since I was with Her. We were together.
They were afraid her and me.


I couldn't help but notice that since the moment She fell on Earth Her body started to adapt to gravity and with it was accepting the conditions that rule this Earth.
Her size was slowly and gradually becoming more like mine. I also saw that She accepts this, realizes what has been going on and doesn't mind at all becoming like me. Quite the contrary!

It made me realize that I must have come here on Earth the same way She has. That now I'm simply watching myself become what I am now. I too must have adopted situations and rules that ruled this world at the time.
I wanted to make this pleasant for Her!


Others kept away from Her, from us, since I showed such interest for Her...
But I was only thinking about how to feed this being. I remember I took a dish from the kitchen counter and poured in whatever I found there. What was prepared, soup or stew. Whatever was warm and ready to eat.

Then we sat down and nobody was bothering us. We felt no threat from others and there was no danger for either of us. It felt good.

When I go back now and think of it... I reckon that feeding someone represents a sort of communication, a desire to communicate.

In some strange way, this creature felt closer to me than I've ever felt other people on Earth.

With others, I mean with people in my dream, I wasn't communicating, we never spoke a word. There was no need for that as I already knew what they would say. They were too scared to speak their thoughts. But with this being... It was different!

I found the common way of communicating, same language we could both understand.

In spite the fact that She was probably a woman I didn't perceive Her as one from beginning. Not in the sexual sense, not sexually appealing, anyway.


I thought: maybe I was just dreaming myself as not yet grown, not yet a person, or not yet entirely formed and well defined. So I only watched Her as another sentient being and not as the woman with everything that goes with it. Meaning, a woman with her desire, big curves by which you tell she is a woman... and eyes watching.


Later on, I spoke with a friend on the phone. I asked her to help me with interpreting these dreams. I needed help to understand what I saw in my dream. She told me that during the night my Anima spoke to me.


I am not well furnished with knowledge of the psychology of Jungian type or any type at all.
So I went surfing on the Internet in order to find what is the exact definition and meaning of Anima. I knew a general one but now I wanted to know more!


This is what I found:

Definitions:
1. In Jungian psychology, the feminine archetype from the collective unconscious that manifests itself in men in dreams or in the imagination as a mediation between the unconscious and the ego, thus providing an unconscious template for relating to women.

2. The animating female life force inspiring relatedness, sense of worth, and emotional response.

3. The personification of the soul or self-image experienced as not-I.


and:


The anima and animus are two major archetypes of the unconscious in analytical psychology which was developed by Carl Jung. An archetype in Jungian analytical psychology is a symbolic underlying identity or dream that all humans share which represents fears or ideas we all experience. The Anima represents the feminine psychological tendencies in the male unconscious. The animus represents the masculine psychological tendencies in the female unconscious. The male unconscious archetype expresses and identifies with the Anima while the female unconscious archetype expresses and identifies with the animus. The anima and animus are strengthened by the collective unconscious (which is the unconsciousness shared by all humans) and influenced by individual experiences.


I even read this, someplace:
"Animus and Anima represent a uniform quantity (ideal spiritual) that contains also the conscious part of Self, therefore it can only express as a paradox."

Eh... the scientist make things too complicated. In my dreams, there are feelings while they mostly dwell in Form. They travel thru it seeking signs and traffic signals looking to find a way home.

I make a step and I AM home!

I am angry with them. I am not angry with Anima, tho.


Somewhere, long ago, we fell on Earth-like creatures coming from far far away. We fell down numb as we found ourselves a Material world. We almost didn't survive this.
Since then we have lived here, on Earth,  anyway, we could and knew how.
That has got to count for something don't you think?!