017_ON BEING ALONE

I have a few friends, there aren't many but am very proud of them! I am proud of their friendship.

I am glad I have them.

Still, I have to recognize this somewhat strange and rather peculiar circumstance. I cannot explain it with two words so I will describe it with an example.

My God often says: »Being alone is the only way I found that allows me get closer to you….«

I didn't quite get it at first. I thought I will never understand Him here.

Now that I am not young anymore I am becoming more like Him.

016_COMPASSION OBSERVES THRU HUNGRY EYES

When I caught up with my Life it was barely alive. Nothing in it could excuse my severity!

I was suddenly confronted with the sad fact that my Life is spreading before me and is entirely my fault if it's leaving me now.
How can I possibly believe that I could survive my own Rules?!
I'm trying to lift what's been left before me… it's like picking grains of rice with hands. 

In my impotence, I suddenly resort to magic spells…
My dear - I say! - do what you will; lie, steal, cheat, run away and hide from me and my madness... but please - stay alive.

What an awful punishment this universe has visited upon me, castigating me by forcing me to watch the fruits of my heartlessness and indifference, thus making me feel powerlessness to reach across the abyss of mistrust and incomprehension I built around me.

Love needs time that is measurable with the NEED, CAUTION, AND SLOWNESS of the ONE who's in NEED.
Look, DARLING, all the time is now yours and ALL is for you...
But take fast, don't hesitate too long.

015_BURSTING BUBBLES

The Universe is now raising the frequency of its Heart and Heart is raising the frequency of our Planet!
It is our Planet that is Heart.

It is pretty much like a glass of soda or mineral water with bubbles of carbon dioxide - when you shake it!
First, the bubbles float up to the surface and gather there for a while before bursting into the air. They are leaving the medium, which is plain water!
Before disappearing, before joining the atmosphere, they are being distributed on the surface (they can’t hide anymore!) or we wouldn’t see them and realize they were present in soda all this time! We only got used to the taste, became addicted to it, but didn’t know what they were doing to us, where they came from or who/what they are.
The bubble is bursting!

Bubblers are near the surface, distributed under it and become visible... Then they are gone, disappear in the atmosphere. They are uniting the Nothing, which they are. They go where they belong, they return "home".
This is what is happening to us now on the planetary level.

Let us imagine that Water is a Consciousness – which is what it is! (no water - no life!).
The bubbles in soda are small pieces of Darkness trapped in water. They represent the unconscious part of us!
The glass is a body, a living organism that holds all this together.

The body IS Universe – and much, much more than this!

When something moves or shakes this organism vigorously, it shakes our sub-consciousness and a process arises, the one that brings us closer to the nature of our creation (and Creation!): The Lost fragments of darkness return to their initial state.

They merge with the venue from which they derived. Everything is converging to its own, darkness to Darkness, light to Light.

Now humanity is retaining darkness in the area of Light… instead of holding its light gently, appreciating it!
It is unnatural! We are built from Light to be Light.

These pieces of darkness within us have no consciousness, they just try to resist Light.

They don’t know what they are doing but – they decide our destiny.

Consciousness, as we are used to it now, fears to descend the darkness from its safe area to go deeper in search of lost pieces and see them for what they are. Instead – we are afraid of our sub-conscious! It is just the prisoner of Darkness, nothing more! And we have to go there and save it from those dark dungeons of its mind. From helplessness and despair.

Most of us are afraid even to lose our darkness for fear of what we might become when we are “free”. What’s freedom like?! Maybe I won’t like it…

They go:
God, who or what will I be if I lose what makes me now!? Who will I be then - will I still be ME?

People are afraid to be free because they don't know what it is, nobody told them what being FREE means. Each has his imagination, his idea of what freedom might look like. And then, again, we might not like it… What if we don't like it!?
Is it still Free Will if I vote for dictatorship and, by freewill, deny democracy?

They were selling us slavery for freedom. We bought it and paid it dearly.

014_CLIMATE CHANGE - YES, WHAT ABOUT IT!?

When GF (GrandFather) realized it was His feeling part inside that was moving as "she" -
He knew that it was his desire. And He named her - Desire!

Everything in Him became the knowledge of this new experience. His ability to desire in Him asked to be FREE. That's what freedom is! The freedom to desire!
That's when God decided that Desire is to be free to move and that's how Need has been born.

GF knew that He depended on (her)his Need to activate Desire and that Need is needed to activate Desire and Her moving. (As I write this I just love to hang in there, in this feeling…. it is safe being there!).
Let me continue with painting this canvas….

I am sooo deeply in love with my Desire - her! I am so much in need to love… that I want Love to be with me but separate from me so that I could NEED it more…. and get more!

As I need it – I feel I can get it more! Desire will activate fulfilling herself, I mean… ME and MY Desire… it may now seem complicated as I am telling you this but when you feel it… it is quite simple!

Just watch your baby screaming with desire! Desire to smell, touch, kiss, love, wait… for mommy.

I want to love more… I feel I deserve to love more after so much loneliness.

I created out of need… so I wouldn't be alone anymore in the dark vastness!
Could you imagine me destroying something NOW?
Anything? Something… or somebody?

I create. I am the Creator! Not a destroyer.
The Mother of Everything then fixes my mistakes and it is called Evolution.

I don't know if you'll understand this but please try!
You can get used to almost anything. You can get used to death, to dying slow and painful death. You can get used to a day by day vanishing in a concentration camp watching others doing the same… You get used to a husband beating you, you can even get used to be a slave for your pervert master but you can never get used to LONELINESS!
You see: You cannot relate to NOTHING.


Being unlike anybody else and not being like somebody…. means never knowing who you are. That's even beyond being lonely! And you don't know that this is what you are now. Beyond lonely.

Let me tell you about my experience:
You are all alone out there and you cannot understand who you are because there's nobody out there who would say… hey, you stink! (not even that!).

So, even if this may sound crazy: My God, the one I created and keep creating… just LOVES being common!
Being special – this He leaves to others! Being special and unique - is not his thing.
And nowadays everybody is special and wants to be special.

But not me.

If you want to be like superman you'd better ask yourself why would anybody want to be like a stone! Invulnerable, unnatural, hard, inflexible…

So when I saw (I keep painting my canvas….) my desiring part that was in love with my needing part - I simply followed the two as one cannot be without the other!

I had so many fantasies about how we will love each other… My Need and My Desire!
I fantasized about how I would never be alone again.

I needed this reassurance so much that I wanted my Love never to be alone again. Therefore I offered Her my reassurances that I won't leave her alone, and that She won't have to feel (my!) Loneliness - ever again…

How wrong I was then… I didn't see that it wasn't mine to feel loneliness but Hers, the Feminine side of our Universe in creation.

I am only there to see She is never again lonely! That is my true role. But I felt it was alright if others feel my loneliness as long as it's not mine anymore to feel it.

But then… I showed Her my fantasies and I wasn't even sure that those weren't Her Desire expressing through me.
Now I would miss it if this wasn't so.

That was it! I couldn't exist without Her anymore, without Her telling me how to exist.

If that was ME… If I was Her Desire expressing thru me, then I will be just that! I will be the Father of Her dreams!
But She… She HAS TO BE FREE TO MOVE WITHIN DREAMS.
And I will simply respond to them. Is that what "almighty" means?!

This is what I want.

Is it possible that I want through - HER!? She is my WANT and all my ability to want!???
Is this what I call desire, and She is Desire?
My Desire!

So be it. I could NEVER, ever give up on Her! Couldn't possibly….
The more she loves… the more beautiful She is!

So I learn(ed) one step at the time.
It is common… between people. And I am just people! I never wanted to be anything else.

It is because She wanted me to be »people«.

013_GOD'S CREATURES

I have two animals. A mother cat and daughter kitten. I am not afraid that they might have too much respect for »my Will« and forget their own. I mostly respect their will - and love doing it every time. My God is a servant of mankind, not a dictator.

He kisses the ground where we walk! He speaks about the respect he has for us, for the man, for Mankind, for all living creatures… I could speak for hours about how he feels for us, how sorry He is that only now He understands his Creation and how sorry He is that this didn't, couldn't, happen before. He understands us like I understand my kittens. In the beginning I didn't understand them. I only loved them. But loving them now is a different »loving« from the loving before! It is different, a deeper kind of loving them and it contains all kinds of contents and feelings… that weren't there before. 

There is no perfection!

Perfection doesn't exist.

****

Well - my kittens are perfect!

They are perfect for me. I love them and I can't stop watching them. How beautiful they are. I tell them: you are my sweethearts, you are perfect! I don't need more perfection than I get from you.

They master everything. They know everything a momma cat should know for her life. Everything I never learned from my mother I learned from my cat. From mother cat and her daughter kitten. 

Must have been some strange coincidence when my cat decided to adopt me as her cub. Hormones? Mother instinct?

Absence of fear or simply feeling safe?

After she nursed her little one she would come to me while I was asleep and controlled my breathing! When I opened my eyes - she was there close to my face watching me… When she saw my eyes open – she was satisfied and she'd go about her business. 

She cared for me. She cared for me like I was her baby.

I never felt such an exquisite feeling of belonging before this happened. A lovely feeling that I was hers. She adopted me, showed me I was her baby. It was a gift, a compliment!

That's how I was receiving these sensations coming from her. They taught me a lot, my animals. But, I am not objective here, not objective at all when I say they are perfect.

They are perfect for me. Nobody demands perfection of me now. Nor do I ask it from the others.

My God doesn't demand it from me. And I don't demand it from Him. But still… My God is often saying: You are ALL mine and you are ALL perfect in my eyes…. and I (that's how My God describes Himself to me) I am not perfect, neither do I want to be perfect… Then I adopt Him and say to Him (like I often say to my kittens), but you ARE perfect! 
To me you are perfect. I am responsible for you!

And He knows what I mean.

012_A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH

It's been long since we were last afraid to be ashamed.
Then, we didn't mind anymore - we were old! We could be ashamed together.

God will give us new teeth I told her, don't be afraid!
She didn't believe me, not all the way anyway.

She usually smiled bitterly back to me when I said this, then pressed her body next to mine and kissed me on my lips.
She was a sad woman. She stopped believing in God. She didn't trust Him enough!
But she did trust me. And when she did – I was God to her! And she never was less than Goddess to me.

There was no one I would love more, respect more and belong to more than I loved and respected her.

I didn't remember my parents anymore. I was young when they were still alive and very small… I don't remember how they were solving their problems. I'm afraid I'll never know.

They must have been very much like me in some way…. in many ways. Like us, I am sure of it. In their desire, longing… I can tell by will and fear that's inside us.
How they were coping with their problems – I don't know! Nor how they saved themselves. I don't know that either. But what I do know is that whatever is in me once used to be inside them.
I was then part of my parents. And what used to be inside us – is now in our children, it is part of their lives.
This I am certain of!

There was something exclusive tho, mine and hers only! It belonged to the two of us - it's our OLD AGE.

Not to be unjust – maybe some of that belonged to God too.

He'll give us new teeth... you'll see!!!

011_WE DECORATE EACH OTHER'S GRAVE

We decorate each other graves! 
We bring flowers, we light the candles...

We embellish the graves; you embellish mine and I embellish yours.
We keep our graves clean, you and I, with both of us still alive!

You and I represent two ruins. 
Holding and supporting each other, leaning towards each other, depending on each other, hoping we won't perish, break down or collapse and fall into Nothing.

Where others see only debris, you and I experience all those who lived there, loved and hoped, loved and hated each other and themselves. They sometimes spoke the truth while hoped…. before they lost both.

They have worn out the House hoping!
But, as I said before: LIVED in it.

Now, we keep the stones together, you and I. Like we didn't know how to fix the building or want to.
But - we don't want to fix it!
We don't want to chase ghosts out of it. Who knows what we might be without them.

My Dear! Embrace my dead within me like I embrace your dead within you. All of them!

They are ours.

They need somebody to love them. Somebody has to love them!
Let's be their Father and Mother.